However many Thursdays ago it was, when we had our rare full-staff meeting at work, I went into it with panic mode set firmly to on. Not knowing just how had the news would be, the primary thought was that whether by closure of the business or by layoffs, I could not afford to lose my job. So when I was asked to do something — in essence the single largest something which could have a positive impact on the financials — I accepted. And therein lies the problem for all concerned.
When the notion was pitched that I take on this other responsibility (it’s irrelevant what it is, only the degree to which it matters is relevant), someone stopped to make sure they asked if I wanted to do it.
Given the panic mode of the day, the question I answered wasn’t whether I wanted to do it, but whether I would.
All of which now puts me in the position of being responsible, in many real and direct ways, for the continued existence of the business itself. And the reality is that I already have not one but two endeavors which I never was able to make financially viable.
It isn’t a position of responsibility to which I’d want to return even if I was the only person involved or at issue.
When I came to work here, I handled shipping. And then I catalogued inventory. I signed up to be a grunt, and somehow ended up agreeing to be an officer. That’s what happens, I guess, when one is operating on nothing short of pure and unadulterated panic.
Well, if you can get past the panic and look at doing this job as the same kind of challenge you took on for the Serenity benefit screenings, you might just realize that you can do it. If they didn’t think you were capable, they wouldn’t have asked you. You’ll be a real hero if you can help save this real business. It might have been fate that brought you there in the first place. In your “mythic” journey, maybe this is the challenge that, if you believe you can do it and then actually go and DO it, will change your life in ways you never imagined.
I wasn’t responsible for the life or death of someone else’s business coordinating the charity screenings. The entire point of that effort was that it was the people on the ground in each city responsible for getting things accomplished and successful.
I guess my question is, if not you, who? If you don’t give it a shot, maybe the business doesn’t even have a fighting chance. You are not “responsible” for the life or death of this business; the owner is. You would need to make him understand — if you’re willing to give it a shot — that you’re willing to give it a shot, but you can’t promise anything. All you can do is your best. Your other “failures” were more the result of circumstances beyond your control. This seems like a circumstance that’s controllable by you — by taking the time to learn something you haven’t had to learn before. This is a much different situation from the other two.
Sure, the difference is I almost just threw up in my own mouth.
Well, I guess your only option is the tell them you just can’t do it and find another job quickly.
Also, the failure of the cafe was not due to factors beyond my control. It was because I could not figure out what to do to get it past breaking even using volunteer labor and in the end mostly just my labor. That was a failure on my part, not some outside force imposing itself.
By your assessment, the business fails if you do nothing. It may fail still if you try your assignment, but it may not. If anyone else on the team had more likelihood of success, you would know, the boss would have asked them, and/or they would have offered. It seems to me by accepting the assignment you put the group in a “might survive” situation instead of “will surely fail”. In other words, based on what you’ve written, you have nothing to lose, and neither does the rest of the group by pinning their last hope on you.
If anyone else on the team had more likelihood of success, you would know, the boss would have asked them, and/or they would have offered.
I think we live in two different worlds.
I’m in Amanda’s world, then.
Do you know of anyone there who could do better? If so, talk to the boss and nominate them. If not, then you’ve got little to lose by taking a crack at it.
I have been taking a crack at it.
I don’t flashback to that moment more than a decade ago where I discovered I was hiding behind an empty office’s door just from some sort of hypothetical imagining of a potential maybe future.
It’s interesting that you look at the risks you’ve taken in terms of employment as total failures. The job at the NYPL got you to NYC, where you made all kinds of friends and contacts and got involved with the Hands off the Net effort. So, you didn’t have the expertise to do the job you were hired to do. But you did get a great deal out of moving to NYC.
The cafe was sold to you because the owner at the time couldn’t make it work. You had no business expertise, but you took the same risk he did. It’s no surprise that you couldn’t make it work either. BUT, you became part of the Portland community through the cafe. You made friends, put down roots. You learned that you don’t want to own your own business.
Communique was a success every way but financially. But you really made your mark in Portland through it.
In all three of those endeavors, you set yourself up against enormous odds — mostly because you didn’t have the expertise that you needed as a solid basis for taking those risks.
I you have a chance to learn something new related to finances or the workings of a business, you should take it. Everyone has a learning curve, and no boss expects someone who takes on a new assignment to automatically know how to do it. You have a history of learning by doing — of coming up with innovative ideas and helping to implement them. Such learning takes time. If your boss is smart enough to give you the time you need to get up to speed, you should be smart enough to take him up on it.
Intead of looking at this as just another chance to fail, can you look at it something new to try that might have positive outcomes you can’t anticipate at this point?
Up your vitamin intake. Take some St. John’s Wort. Give your spirit whatever lifts you can and try to see in yourself what everyone else sees — a smart and creative guy who hasn’t yet hit his stride. You are harder on yourself than others are.
Maybe, living in Portland, you need a little more sunshine. Maybe I’ll send you a full-spectrum lamp to help you get over that all-season “SAD”(Seasonal Affective Disorder).
I never said these things were failures in every conceivable respect. I said that the cafe and Communique were financial failures. That’s simply a statement of fact.
Also, I never said moving to NYC was a complete waste or disaster or failure. I never said I shouldn’t have been there. I never said I didn’t get anything out of it.
What I’ve done is reference the fact that one day at the NYPL, I found myself standing behind the door of my boss’ empty office, with no clear recollection of just how I got there.
I think it’s legitimate to say that’s fucked up, without having anyone re-write it to mean I’m saying the entire NYC experience was shit.