We continue to find real life advice on being a conservative. Many conservatives past and present have made great advances for the cause of the conservative ideology. As you become more committed to the conservative way it is important that it replace any previous ideas of good and bad you might have once known.
Immigration
Conservatives love the issue of illegal immigration. As a good conservative you will welcome anyone who wants to take the law into their own hands to stop people from coming to this country illegally, especially Mexicans. Mexicans feel this is really their country and they intend to take it back, so why not shoot them? Make sure they don’t feel oppressed by your hatred of them even while they are cleaning your homes and picking the crops which become the food on your table. If anyone takes a stand for compassion and rationality, just call them wetback-lovers, and then they will most likely feel guilty. Remember, use the “fear of brown people” card as often as possible. Never mention the reliance of the nation’s economy upon immigrants. Make it appear as if liberals are in favor of Mexicans taking jobs away from white men, sleeping with white women, and dealing drugs to your kids.
Religion
It’s only okay to say you are associated with certain religions or philosophies. If you must make mention of any religion other than Christianity, or any philosophy other than free market absolutism, be sure to mask your hatred with an air of simple condescension. It would be good to pick some verse in the Bible to try and sound like you know what you’re talking about, even though you really don’t. Always try and make non-Christians feel guilty, unwanted, or not properly American. Sometimes it works, especially in combination with that old bigotry card. Appearances go a long way.
Spin It
Learn to spin all bad news from liberals into the positive. For example, if an improperly-invaded country has dissolved into civil war after three years of occupation, despite the Secretary of Defense saying the conflict would not last longer than five months, declare that the mission has been accomplished and also that you are implementing a strategy that will lead to victory. If the bad news from liberals is that your president is conducting illegal surveillance on American citizens, your spin will be that the law he is breaking is unconstitutional. Spin it. If there is a job change in a liberal administration, call it a shake-up. Spin it, baby, spin it!
Morality
If you went to church when you were young remember only those parts of what you were taught which help you oppress or hate other people. Humanity has no place in conservatism. Being conservative means we endorse only people like ourselves. Heck, if homosexuals want to appear just like normal people, then they should stop choosing to be homosexuals. Be in favor of confusing religious marriage with civil marriage, reducing it to just a weapon with which to bludgeon people you hate. Be in favor of all attempts in the public schools to teach abstinence-only sex education despite the fact that it will lead to more unprotected sex and then to more unwanted pregnancies which you will, in a properly anti-choice way, force to be carried to term even though you will then refuse to adopt the child or allow the mother to receive government assistance for food and shelter in order to keep that child healthy and alive.
Return to class for Conservatism 103 tomorrow!
