If you are a conservative and you want to be a better conservative, or your situation is changing in such a way that you feel becoming a conservative might be a good fit for the new you, then here are some tips to follow to obtain that conservative mindset.
First it’s very important to understand that conservative ideas closely follow those of hypocrisy. Things like supporting states rights, unless the states in question happen to believe people have the right to death with dignity or the medical use of marijuana.
Christianity
Conservatives love to use the Christian religion as a weapon against others, and as a conservative you shouldn’t worry about whether or not you yourself live up to Christian ideals, or even if you understand the religion yourself. You will be happy when people you hate — homosexuals, Muslims, liberals, city-dwellers — are injured or killed, and will loudly proclaim it to be God’s punishment for America’s sinful ways.
Motivation Techniques
A good conservative will learn powerful motivational techniques. Perhaps the strongest ones are lying and shouting. These tactics are effective with many, especially if you use them at the same time, and even more especially if you throw in phrases like “family values” and “if you’re not with us, you’re against us.” Other effective motivational lies and shouts are good to use even in group and organizational names, or in slogans, especially to convey the appearance of patriotism. Slogans such as No Spin Zone or Fair and Balanced, or groups such as Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, the Department of Justice, etc. There are thousands.
Education
A good conservative will demand that the only education poor or low-performing students deserve is “the basics,” because for these students knowing only how to read and do some math is Good Enough. Any attempts by liberals to push for equality in education and a well-rounded curriculum for all must be met with strong resistance. Liberal parents must be accused of stripping God from the public schools. Note: As a conservative you should appreciate that dumbing down public education in this way will pave the way for a whole new generation of people weak enough to fall prey to your lies and shouting.
Return to class for Conservatism 102 tomorrow!
Is “voting against your own best interests while convincng yourself that the deleterious self-inflicted societal costs that perforce obtain from such behavior can’t possibly affect you” part of this lesson, the 102 section, or an advanced study for a future seminar?
It just leaves my head in a whirl; some people I work with are Xtian conservatives who gleefully vote for people who have the most thinly veiled contempt for them. I’m convinced that the reason they do so is that, somehow, by cozying up to Those In Power, they’ll be sheilded by the very things they do to damage the society they live in. They’re having trouble getting by and they keep approving of people who make it hard for them to get by.
Well, at least the gays can’t marry then, neh?